When I dove into awakening coaching, almost 5 years ago I remember that my longing & intention I embraced and continue to deepen daily was all about bringing out my authentic feminine. The feminine that wants to be expressed most naturally. I knew that I was raised quite masculine and that I had a tendency to go into my masculine more than my feminine.
The beautiful thing about feminine in all of us is that it is very patient. Feminine energy is an energy of patience.
In this patience, we can find much to contemplate and the patience itself renews us and shows us ways in which action needs to be taken in an organic way.
In April of this year after nine months of hard work and a lot of contemplation I was privileged to publish my first book on Resilience Through Yoga & Meditation. With Austin Inc Publications.
Our book reached #2 on amazon.com in the category of yoga and self-help.
Deciding to write this book was a very important step of my life and my work. The book has propelled many changes unexpectedly and continues to be a tool in the way of awakening and sharing of contemporary feminine wisdom. I feel it is important that women share the wisdom of their lives, in current modern language that reaches and touches the lives of others.
Through the awakening coaching work that I have done and through the medicine work as well as Buddhism I decided to take a stand for Peace and Awake Conscious love in ways that allow me to reclaim my own heart and my own femininity, on my own terms.
I wrote my chapter on a powerful topic of domestic violence and tools that I have used to help me overcome this tragic past. I was able to reconnect with parts of myself and my life in an important way while honoring the journey that I have lived.
The book allowed me to show and illustrate awakening standpoint without going into details of the difficult and turbulent childhood that I had. I put my effort on not blaming and not creating more damage, but on bringing the honest look into the dynamics of the eastern European family.
The dynamic that is prevalent in many European lives.
Moreover, the intention continues to be to bring healing in an organic way to the shadow-mother and shadow-feminine in all of us.
Kazu Haga, founder, and Coordinator of East Point Peace Academy, says that if we carry intergenerational trauma (and we do), then we also carry intergenerational wisdom. It is in our genes and in our DNA. Intergenerational trauma is the transmission of historical oppression and its negative consequences across generations.
It takes a conscious choice to step out of suffering and into awakening. I didn’t have to bribe anyone, I just chose to take a stand for something that was important for me in my heart.
What is really interesting is how this book affected my life since being published. I saw clearly the power of healing that was available through sharing honestly and vulnerably with understanding the story in a way that was going to raise consciousness and bring more awareness. I was surprised at the friction that this created in many ways. I am seeing that awakening causes friction for many people and upsets status quo, as it leads to freedom and dissolves many unnecessary entanglements.
The external environment and blood-relations, as well as unaware polish culture, showed me passive aggression and hatred. My family decided not to deal with the situation and retreated into denial on all levels about what has happened. Bogged down by their own issues they were not really willing to see what has happened, or to see grace and an opportunity in the gift that this was. It showed me, even more, the astounding twisted dynamics of my family and also the deeper levels of unawareness and repressed difficult emotions.
Over the last months of writing the book, while on vacation in France with my sister, I could also sense and feel her stress and her inability to deal with the situation. She was worried, often questioning whether and who is against whom in the family, who she should trust and how can she remain politically-correct and still honour everyone and everything that is going on without taking any sides.
It was breaking my heart to hear how stressed out she is about what is going on and trying to keep it together in a polite way. My sister has a lot of kindness in her and wants the miracle healing. I was watching myself getting triggered as well by the family situation and applying all tools I know of to remain calm and centered. As much as I would like a miracle healing I am reminded that the vision and the reality often are not so close. Particularly in a family with so much emotional repression.
I was observing both hers and my inner struggle, similar intentions and a desire to bring healing into the family. My sister’s ‘rosy-reunion-dream’ while I was dealing with the difficulties of the abuse, stresses of life and work, artistic creativity and direct hatred from my uncle, mother, and father.
Seeing this I had to let go and trust that the pure motivation of awakening and leaving the suffering behind are of most importance. Feminine is like the water that flows and can not be kept in hands or in a broken vessel. Feminine is what moves and changes all the time, this is why I had to trust and surrender and trust that my heart will continue to guide me into clarity.
While my mother is sending for prayers and continues to tell my sister to remains in the catholic church and while my sister is thinking to connect more with Buddhism I am watching people torn apart by beliefs and fears and expectations struggling to “win” while they are dying of stress and I look at all of this and have to ask myself “where is the sanity?”
I always found sanity in the Dharma and in the Earth and with the hearts of people who are honest and live with integrity.
Today as I write this I feel clear in my heart about the family. I know without a doubt I am sane. My sister tells me that if anything “real” was to happen in her life I am the only person she could turn to. I am aware of the extremely detrimental and limiting beliefs that my family holds; my father, for example, is convinced that Europe is doomed and that third world war is imminent, that we should not be living there and that it is a bad place to be. To me, they are a vision of what it is like when someone is stuck in a belief. Stuck in the past paradigm. Unable to let go and relax into clear-seeing. I see the dangers of these beliefs and how they shape our lives, our culture. I give thanks for the path I have walked and also for the intergenerational wisdom that I am able to access. I give thanks for the work I have done to eradicate these beliefs and bring my feminine heart closer to me so that I can be in service of awakening and peace.
I know that this is the only way my parents knew how to create their version of love and life. I realize within me are their energy and what they have given me. I realize that as open as I am to healing I must honor where I am with my feminine and with my personal evolution. I honor the journey they are on and I wish them to heal and reveal the authentic heart.
There is always space for love if we allow it to be there. To access love a woman must be able to rest in her center and cultivate her feminine energy.
Through the different cultural and professional associations that I have been a part of I came to realize that love and life are free. I already belong to life and existence is taking care of me. Culturally I have met great people everywhere I have been, and equally, I have met not so great people. Awakening is taking place globally beyond race and color and religion.
The lesson in this is that a lot of families [and particularly in EU] have extremely tightly knit dynamics that are often unhealthy and where an attachment is the only thing. Dynamics are maintained for social status and recognition and financial benefit. Intermixed with the Christian/Catholic religion and the guilt – Oh the Gilt … of what horrible things will happen to you if you are not being the obedient little girl or boy and for sharing the truth of what has happened…
Moreover a lot of women remain in families that otherwise they would not be a part of because they are not connected to their wildness and they do not understand the movements of their Inner Earth. It pains me to see women domesticated into submission while allowed to only show up in small ways who they really are.
Looking from the outside it is easy to see that it is unhealthy and unconscious.
All this made me realize deeply the meaning of the Buddhist word “Sangha” [a community of practitioners with the same aim and intention of liberation] and what it stands for in reality as the Buddhist see it. The Dharma and the Sangha are my families. My lineage that I am a part of is my family and I feel their intentions and prayers towards me.
In the recent days with much upheaval, I began to unnaturally worry that I might get thrown out of the Sangha. 😉 I looked at my altar and at the photo of Lama Tsultrim there with her warm smile and I only heard “This is not at all what the Dharma is about, if this is what it was about, it would not be the Dharma” I paused and rested in my core with that and trusted again.
This is why as a woman in my work and in my deepening of feminine and in sharing and mentoring other women I have devoted my life now into the Cultivating art of peace and compassion while helping women overcome difficult entanglements, dynamics, and relationships that are unhealthy.
As a mentor it empowers me a lot to see women stand up for the limiting beliefs that they hold, the games they play the lies they tell themselves and others, and the myriad of stories that do not empower anyone in the end, only cause suffering.
It is a time I feel that as a collective we write a new story of the feminine, not the old stories of overcoming struggles but the new collective awake feminine story of brilliance and resilience empowered in the heart.