Often times I hear people say they “lose themselves” in a relationship or in a friendship. This simply happens as they get trapped in the stories and habits of others (as well as their own unconscious patterns) – taking them as reality, and forgetting of their own values and lives. Lets see how we can best infuse freedom into love.


To hold space for change means having inspired certainty for each individuals’ awakening without hooking into their stories. ~ Tara Shakti

Here are some fresh tips to infuse Freedom into Love

Love is freedom, yet in stagnant/unconscious relating it can become the greatest attachment and a game of manipulation, leading to one person wanting to change the other, blame, resentment, confusion and drama.

You and your friendships/intimate relationships may be “the cosmic connections” yet you have to allow each other a space to grow.

Learning to hold space for your connections while at the same time maintaining your sanity is the first step for a healthy relationship and a life free of unpleasant attachments.

  • Take care of your own energy first. If you do not take care of your energy first you will be constantly drained and glued to endless stories of people who have demands on your time. You MUST feel your core and center and feel connected with your own life force. You have to know how to tend to your own needs first. Otherwise you will participate in life where you don’t want to be engaged, because you have not attended to your own energy you have compromised the first and most important relationship – the one with you.

Stop engaging in activities out of guilt, obligation, sense of duty, etc. Engage in activities because there is an actual desire in you to do it. A desire to bring awakening into your life, spice, creativity, and a desire to manifest your longings.

  • Don’t get distracted. Life is filled with many distractions, everything is calling all the time for your attention. We lose track of relationships when we get distracted by life, and disconnected from our centre. Every relationship needs to be nurtured and needs its time to grow and to be cultivated.  By knowing how to give your time and energy to your relationships (and first to yourself) you will learn to realize quickly how and when you get distracted, thus be able to correct the course and sail on happily.

Buddhist Dzogchen tradition speaks a lot about a light of awakening. All of life in many ways is made of light. However Dzogchen explains that not all light is a light of awakening. A lot of the things we see and are drawn by are really there to perpetuate our suffering and our unconscious tendencies, once we start to step into the light of awakening – life will begin to take a new shape – one we have not been able to previously see or imagine – this means that what is no longer working will be transmuted and changed, discarded to create room for the new. You cannot predict this change, you cannot control this change, all you can do is maintain your focus on your path and your life, re-committing time and again to step out of the illusion and into the present moment without stories, where the gateway to awakening stands open inviting you to go through. At the same time you maintain the trust that the others in your life are capable to do the same. Stick with your practices and stick with honouring the timeless-truths, these will be there to offer the support you need.

  • Choose not to suffer – In todays world many of us hold an unconscious belief that it is not worth it if we have not suffered first, ask yourself: Is it True? Is this really something that you want to believe in? Is this something you want to pass on to your children? Then choose to look after yourself first and choose not to suffer, thus disengaging from the suffering of others. When we learn to return our attention on to us, and take responsibly our lives, with a new sense of wonder at each moment, while observing the cycles and rhythms of day and night, we find that we are able to rest into the very essence of our being, and unnecessary attachments and dramas fall away in an instance.
  • Attend to the things that inspire you first. On the same thread, you have nothing to share or give to another if you first do not tend to the things that are yours (practices, hobbies, creativity that flows, your home, your garden and animals). There will always be an aunt, or a distant relative that wants your time, yet this time is yours – if the connection does not spark your heart and have you go ‘YES’ inside, don’t waste your precious time
  • Stop looking at your friends/relationships as emancipators of doom and a source of entertainment (as entertaining as they may be) – That is co-dependence.

I know! What a bubble burster!

And guess what, your relationships (when healthy) are not there to entertain you, fix you, offer you what you crave, they are there for co-creation, they are a gateway to awakening.

Don’t be afraid to be alone. To learn to cultivate the relationship with yourself first is the key to have healthy relationships with others.

This means you have to learn to tend to your wounds, disappointments and obstacles with a different attitude and energy. Do not bring life to the table with a victim attitude “fix it for me”  or “save me” (that is immature), or “make me feel better”.

Rather bring them with a sense of curiosity “look such and such is happening and what can I do about this? Where is my resistance here? What are my unmet needs? How can I work with this difficult energy? What do I need to move through here? How is this moment pointing me to awakening?

As divine as you are, you are not here to solve your friends’ problems. The desire ‘to-save-others’ is actually a tendency and perpetuates further on the cycle of victimization. Trust that the greater force in which all of this life is unfolding will hold you and your loved ones. True and Free love can be broken by anything.

  • Always bring things full circle – BACK TO YOU – how you feel is your responsibility. It is not a responsibility of your friends/partner. If you are triggered by something it is better not to react and take the necessary time to sit with the situation and observe how it percolates – in a clean and awake place things tend to naturally resolve themselves when they are not fuelled by drama and a desire to create stories.
  • Share the truth and facts from the space of heart. Do not blame, simply state what you are seeing and feeling. This will help to step out of the victim/rescuer cycle. Hold inspired certainty that in freedom each being is capable of making their own choices and each path to awakening is individual (some are longer than others)
  • Look at all your relationships as adventures. Weather they are years old, weeks or days or hours long, the same rules apply all the time. The ones that will last the longest are the ones that are dedicated to not just loving, but dedicated to freedom of heart and truth.
  • Co-create with like-minded folks – rather than looking at your relationships from a perspective of what you are giving all the time, or what you are getting, look at what you are together co-creating and how is it serving people – a much higher view point and one that is bound to bring auspicious fruits.

You cannot save the world, you can only save yourself, and when you do, that inner flame of awakening may be infectious enough to bring more people of the same caliber into your life.

You see; as a result what will happen is this: you will begin to create space in your life for the things that are in tune with your divine flow, when you cultivate the relationship with yourself and your life, no unnecessary demands are present, magic starts to unfold in life and joy and freedom overflows, moving you in new directions, that previously you couldn’t have imagined.

This starts as you begin to let go of resistances and begin to cultivate a life of practice and meaning.

Awake in the Heart = Freedom from resentments, dramas, stories.


Photo: Nataraja Lord of Dance

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